Be careful of the rabbit hole. Once you are in, it is challenging to get out. I found myself falling down it the other day. I just got done paying what bills I could pay for the month. Unfortunately it left many debts unpaid. That situation can become a threat to my sanity if it continues for too much longer. I was circling the rabbit hole. My mind went from calm to tsunami & devastation in a matter of minutes. I'm bankrupt, worthless, disgusting, morally inept, unable to provide for my family. All those things came rushing at me. I've never had a panic attack but I could feel one coming. That's when I pulled up on the chain of my brain and forced it to stop falling down the hole. Wow. How is it helpful to my life, my family and my world if I stay down? I have to look at all the positive things in my life to put me at ease and to realize that I am indeed moving forward. I'm not giving up, although at times it seems like a good idea. I have a lot of life left to live. I need to get my books out. I need to help people navigate the financial system. I need to make a difference in this world. To leave it better than when I arrived.
I have definitely had a roller coaster financial story. I have come full circle with my finances. I've struggled over the years. No matter the struggle I always arrive beyond it. When I became a single mom it was financially challenging. I had a commission only job. As a Realtor, my pay was based on homes closing. I remember a time when I had only one house in escrow and that transaction was difficult. The day before it was supposed to close my client decided to back out. My intial reaction was one of panic as I desperately needed the money. But when I got my mind under control I realized she was right NOT to move forward with this particualr house. At that moment I calmed myself and reminded me that I am a survivor and this was not about me. The details of how I made it through that time are blurred. I got through it somehow. We can allow our fears to run our life or we can address those fears and let them know who's in charge.
Over the years, I've eaten quite a bit of humble pie. My first memory of partaking of this specialty was transitioning out of the restaurant industry into real estate. I had been a bartender for a few years and the lifestyle was beginning to have it's repurcussions. My son was just a year old when I took a job as a receptionist for a local real estate company; Barbara Sue Seal Properties. Here I was, a college educated woman working for $8.00 an hour answering the phones and taking orders from Realtors. I had to remind myself of the goal in mind which was to ultimately get out of the restaurant world.
When I started this job I had no business attire. We were required to wear suits and/or jackets to work so I had to start a new wardrobe with no money. Goodwill has been my fallback over the years. I have shopped there when I absolutely had to and when I just wanted to. Depending on the view, it definitely does look different. I was also blessed by my friend Michelle who had just received an enormous box of business clothes from her employer who lost a bunch of weight. I was able to put some items together from that blessing.
I ate quite a few slices of humble pie in those days. My struggle with money was in effect for several years. When I divorced my son's dad in 2000 I made the decision that I did not want to be a Realtor and a single mom. One of the reasons I got out of the restaurant industry was my desire to have a more 9-3 job; evening and weekends off. Working as a Realtor I ofen found myself working 7 days a week! In order to get more balance in my life I gave up my real estate license after 5 years and moved over to the lending side of the real estate transaction.
My next humble pie happened in my first year as a mortgage professional. I found myself once again out of money and not sure where to turn. It was taking much more effort on my part than I had imagined to get the money flowing again. For a brief moment I serioulsy questioned my decision to give up my real estate business. I had envisioned a more seamless transition and it didnt' inlcude starting a business all over! That's essentially what I had done even though it was in the same industry. I ended up borrowing $1000 from my ex to make it through a month. It never occurred to me that there was public assistance available for me. I have always been about making my own way in the world.
I'll never forget the day I borrowed that money. It was an incredibly low day. One of those times when it seems like the world is a very dark place and there is no way out. I drove to my ex-husbands job at Home Depot and sat in the parking lot collecting my strength. I walked into the store with my head hung low, as soon as I saw him the tears started to flow. He asked me if I was okay and all I could do was nod. He handed me the check and with great humility I took it and walked out the door all the while tears streaming down my face. How did I get to this place?
Somehow I got through that time, paid him back and turned my entire financial life around. In fact, it was only a few years later that he became one of my tenants! And I gave him a deal, he was paying $300 less than my current tenant. That lasted a few years.. my oh my how life continues to have a sense of humor.
When life appears to be dark and hopeless we can either search to find some source of light or stay in the darkness forever. As a survivor I tend to search for the light. This certainly doesn't mean that I don't wallow in the depths of despair. I have had my share of pity parties. But the point is, to keep moving forward. There's a time and a place for wallowing. Just make sure you get out of the cesspool before you drown.
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